Where do I even start this review. With the running theme of eels? The numerous Octagenarian nude scenes? The torture scenes? The cryptic mystery of the Spa? Yes, I think I will start there. Or maybe not, maybe I will start with the absolute insult to our intelligence that this movie actually is.
We join the De Haan character Lockhart, in his quest to figure out what in the bejesus is going on at Dr. Volmer’s (Jason Isaac) Swiss spa. As he spends a great amount of the film on squeaky crutches wandering the estate and trying to figure out..well..nothing really. Needless to say, he sees and is subjected to a lot of dark and twisted stuff.
Our main character Lockhart (Dane DeHaan), who is the exact sort of morally bankrupt young financial hotshot you’ve seen in a bunch of other movies. His bosses are so cartoonishly evil that they may as well be counting wads of cash as they tell him he’s being sent off to stay at a remote wellness center in the Swiss Alps to fetch a wayward executive “Pembroke” (Harry Groener) whose signature is needed to allow a merger to go forth so as to allow them to rake in more millions.

When I review a film, I find it difficult to walk the fine line between discussing it and revealing spoilers, so you’re lucky that even if I wanted to, I couldn’t reveal the spoilers because absolutely NOTHING made sense in this ridiculous film. Except I will let you know it’s long..very long..and painfully slow.

So what exactly is the sickness that “the cure” is treating? Who is the mysterious girl Hannah (Mia Goth) that wanders around a pond all day, yet sneaks away with Lockhart for her first beer in town? Why does no one ever leave? What’s with the eels? What’s with the water? Why are teeth falling out? Why are the townfolks so off-put by those on the hill? What is the Center’s dark past and can it be uncovered. What are the real reasons as to why the guests keep staying there, longing for the Cure? What answers do the puzzles bring? Is Lockhart himself insane? Seriously.. do you notice this whole review is just questions with no answers and by the end of this long, arduous film, you just don’t even care. Gore Verbinski – you’re better than this dammit.

The only thing I can give this film is a kudos on is the cinematography, as it was excellent. The acting is not very well done by anyone and there was absolutely no big moments of suspense though they make you think it’s full of it. There is zip-nada-zero-nothing. And nothing was explained at the movie’s conclusion and you’re left with way too many unanswered questions. But then again, at this point you just want it to end and be able to leave. A much needed and decent synopsis of what I really saw would be helpful at this point.

Grade: D-
@pegsatthemovies

Media Review Screening: Wednesday, Feb 1, 2017 ~ Courtesy of 20th Century Fox
NATIONWIDE RELEASE: Friday, February 17. 2017